Alright. Well, first off on a positive note, I got in to OU Honor Band!!! I was so convinced that I wasn't going to get in but, nevertheless. Our stuff is pretty hard and I haven't played through it yet. The festival itself isn't until January 7-9, but I always end up procrastinating and not preparing my music. But in order for them to seat us for chairs, we are using the first parts of all the songs to place us. That means that I should practice. So that I don't get last chair. Which I wouldn't be upset about but I would be a little disappointed in myself for not trying harder.
We had our first snow day yesterday! I stayed home and slept through most of it. I also finished "A Farewell To Arms" which I loved. I didn't love that she and their baby died in the end, but it fit the story. I'm thinking I'll end up reading more Hemmingway throughout my life because I really like his writing style and most all of his works are classic pieces of American Literature. It is also in my life plan to read all the great books that have ever been written and see every significant movie. It's silly, I know, but it's something that I have always wanted to do and I think it would make me a more educated, cultured person.
Charles and I are a little bit closer. We talk about basketball and I think it brings us together. Maybe this relationship in my head will actually materialize into my first real relationship since the 8th grade. That'd be nice. I miss having someone that I can tell all of my secrets and hopes and dreams to. Being single is okay, but at the end of the day all I want is someone to have spent it with. Having a family is my biggest goal in my life.
On to the depressing reason behind this title. Never in my life did I think I would see the day when I am pretty much afraid to sit at my lunch table with my friends because of someone. For some reason, I feel like Ellen is controlling my life and my actions during this period of the day. I am not physically afraid of her. I don't think that she is going to jump across the table and maul me like a bear, but it's like every time I look up, she is staring me down like I did something wrong. I have never in my life been so submissive to anyone or so concerned about what someone thinks of me. Not even when I almost dated Garrett. I think it's because both of my closest friends, Rachel and Mariama, are also sort of friends with her and she already tried to turn both of them against me over the whole New York trip thing. I think that's the part I am afraid of the most. That if I say something wrong, or something that will make her mad, she will try to take away the people who I am closest to to make me feel like I have nothing. One of my biggest fears is that I will end up alone with no one that cares about me. I think that she knows that and would use it against me if she feels like it. I could really care less about whether or not we are ever friends again, which will probably never happen, but the prospect of losing the two friends that are the most important to me at her hands bothers me a lot. I will be so happy when I graduate and I never have to see her ever again. There have been nothing but bad things that ever came out of my friendship with her and she refuses to change her petty ways and because of that we will never be friends again. I hope that you aren't too depressed now. That wasn't my purpose with this. I just needed to let it out. I have been spending most of my time at lunch with one of my new found BFFs, Alex, who is a really good listener and whose advice is just "Kick her out of the group. Don't buy her Christmas presents. Stand up for yourself." And all of these things are what I should do and I know it too. But for some reason, I can't. I haven't fully let go yet I think and until I can have absolutely no feelings about her, I will still be in this state of constant worry. Though this is really only prevalent during 5th pd (lunch) and some band functions. I feel like with band though, that I am the leader of my section and I have more power than her. With lunch, all of us are pretty equal in power holdings within the group. Maybe that's my problem. I have a problem with letting go of power; of letting other people tell me how to run my life. I think I just figured out why this whole thing bothers me so much. Thank you, Blogger.
Write Soon!
Elizabeth Ann
